I’ll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
\nAs happened in days long gone by,
\nWhen Duke William became King of England,
\nAnd ‘Arold got shot in the eye.<\/p>\n
It were this way – one day in October
\nThe Duke, who were always a toff
\nHaving no battles on at the moment,
\nHad given his lads a day off.<\/p>\n
They’d all taken boats to go fishing,
\nWhen some chap in t’ Conqueror’s ear
\nSaid ‘Let’s go and put breeze up the Saxons;’
\nSaid Bill – ‘By gum, that’s an idea.’<\/p>\n
Then turning around to his soldiers,
\nHe lifted his big Norman voice,
\nShouting – ‘Hands up who’s coming to England.’
\nThat was swank ‘cos they hadn’t no choice.<\/p>\n
They started away about tea-time –
\nThe sea was so calm and so still,
\nAnd at quarter to ten the next morning
\nThey arrived at a place called Bexhill.<\/p>\n
King ‘Arold came up as they landed –
\nHis face full of venom and ‘ate –
\nHe said ‘lf you’ve come for Regatta
\nYou’ve got here just six weeks too late.’<\/p>\n
At this William rose, cool but ‘aughty,
\nAnd said ‘Give us none of your cheek;
\nYou’d best have your throne re-upholstered,
\nI’ll be wanting to use it next week.’<\/p>\n
When ‘Arold heard this ‘ere defiance,
\nWith rage he turned purple and blue,
\nAnd shouted some rude words in Saxon,
\nTo which William answered – ‘And you.’<\/p>\n
‘Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
\nThe Normans set off with a will,
\nAnd when both sides was duly assembled,
\nThey tossed for the top of the hill.<\/p>\n
King ‘Arold he won the advantage,
\nOn the hill-top he took up his stand,
\nWith his knaves and his cads all around him,
\nOn his ‘orse with his ‘awk in his ‘and.<\/p>\n
The Normans had nowt in their favour,
\nTheir chance of a victory seemed small,
\nFor the slope of the field were against them,
\nAnd the wind in their faces an’ all.<\/p>\n
The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
\nAnd soon as the whistle had went
\nBoth sides started banging each other
\n‘Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.<\/p>\n
The Saxons had best line of forwards,
\nWell armed both with buckler and sword –
\nBut the Normans had best combination,
\nAnd when half-time came neither had scored.<\/p>\n
So the Duke called his cohorts together
\nAnd said – ‘Let’s pretend that we’re beat,
\nOnce we get Saxons down on the level
\nWe’ll cut off their means of retreat.’<\/p>\n
So they ran – and the Saxons ran after,
\nJust exactly as William had planned,
\nLeaving ‘Arold alone on the hill-top
\nOn his ‘orse with his ‘awk in his ‘and.<\/p>\n
When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
\nA bow and an arrow he drew;
\nHe went right up to ‘Arold and shot him.
\nHe were off-side, but what could they do?<\/p>\n
The Normans turned round in a fury,
\nAnd gave back both parry and thrust,
\nTill the fight were all over bar shouting,
\nAnd you couldn’t see Saxons for dust.<\/p>\n
And after the battle were over
\nThey found ‘Arold so stately and grand,
\nSitting there with an eye-full of arrow
\nOn his ‘orse with his ‘awk in his ‘and.<\/p>\n
By Marriott Edgar<\/p>\n